Thursday, December 6, 2012

Grieving.

We are dealing with some big-time grief at our house the last few days, and it's not from Maia.  The one who is really struggling right now is Alaina.

She was only two years old when we brought her home, and she doesn't really remember anything about her life in China before us.  We do have some pictures of her with her foster mom and those have always been really important to her; she shows them to people a lot and looks at them often.  She did have a difficult transition right at first when she was mourning the loss of that wonderful woman, but once that was over she has been great, bonding to us very strongly.

We have never been secretive about adoption with our kids.  Of course two of them were old enough to remember anyway so it didn't make any sense to not talk about their lives before they came into our family.  We have always talked really openly about where they came from and what we know of their pasts, and that does include talking about birth parents.

I think Alaina understood the concept cognitively, but until we went to China to adopt Maia she had never really understood it on an emotional level.  Now she is really thinking about the fact that her birth parents are lost to her, and that they gave her up for adoption.  And that has been really hard.

Our first clue that she was having trouble was when I found a folded up paper in her pocket and asked her what it was.  She snatched it away and said, "that's private!"  She has never acted like that before so I knew it must be something important.  I didn't push her but did tell her that if she had a secret it was really important to tell Mom so I could help her with it.  Later that evening, during the bedtime routine, she brought it to me and told me it was a secret, but I could look.  Here is what I saw:

In case you can't read it, it says:

Dear brst mom and Dear brst dad I wot to see You mom and dad and I allway now You may be we see You in my driem som day and som day we see You in China in my dreim Love Alaina

In the middle of the bottom, there is a picture of a happy mom and a happy dad holding a baby, and they have hearts over them.  To the right of that, there is a crying mom and a crying dad handing the baby over to a crying lady.  The caption says: we has to we can't tack care of her.

She told me her secret was that she had been thinking of her birth mom and birth dad and that she was sad.  Of course I told her that thinking about them wasn't bad, that it was good, and that it was okay to be sad.  We talked a little more and she skipped off to bed her happy little self.

But last night was a different story.  She just did not want to go to bed.  She said she couldn't sleep because she kept thinking about them, and having bad dreams.  So I got her up to snuggle with me for a while.  I asked her a couple of questions and she just broke down and sobbed.  She said she missed them and she wanted to see them.  Then she asked the question I've known was coming someday: Why did they give me up?

I knew it was coming, but I still don't feel I was prepared for it.  I told her truthfully that I didn't know, that no one really knows.  I told her they wanted to make sure she was taken care of.  She asked if they ever thought of her, and I said I'm sure they think of you every day.  She asked if they celebrate her birthday, and I said I don't know, but maybe.

Then she wanted to know if they had other children after her, and if they gave them up for adoption too.  Of course I don't know the answer.  She cried more and said she thinks they gave her up but not their other children.

Oh, my heart.  All I could do was hold her and tell her we love her so much, and she will always, always be our girl.  I encouraged her to pray for her birth parents.  Then she asked, what if they don't believe in Jesus? And I said that we could pray that they would, and that Jesus is always faithful to answer our prayers.  I asked her if she wanted to pray right then, but she said no, she needed to go to sleep.  So I sent her off to bed.

It's hard, hard, hard.  I don't know why God has chosen this path for her, but I do know He has a plan for her, a plan "to give her a future and a hope."

I kept her home today, and she and Maia have been happily playing all day long.  She woke up happy, back to her old self.  I know this isn't the last time we will have to work through these hard things, but I do pray that God will give me wisdom and strength to continue to give her what she needs.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Mindy

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Home and happy....mostly

We have been home from China with Maia just a little over three weeks now.  Many have asked how we are doing, and the answer is we are doing great......mostly.  

I'm not going to lie and say it has all been butterflies and roses.  When you are almost nine years old, being taken away from the only life you have ever known, regardless of how difficult or hopeless that life was, is really, really hard.  Maia is struggling to adjust in many ways.  She hasn't really figured out her place in our family yet, and she is always on the lookout for anything she sees as unfair.  She gets very upset very quickly if she thinks someone (usually Alaina) has gotten anything she hasn't.  This can set her off into a very long "episode" of deep sobs and big tears, and if I let her she will go find somewhere to hide.  I don't let her.  I quickly scoop her into my lap and hold her and sing to her and tell her everything's okay.  She does let me comfort her, which is a blessing.  Unfortunately this means I am basically unavailable for any of my other kids for up to 45 minutes while I calm Maia down.

I think she is genuinely grieving most of the time, and I want to help her through.  If I thought I was being manipulated I would respond differently.  And there have been times when I just cheerfully take her by the hand and say, "you're okay" and move her to a new activity, and that seems to work in the times she is just displaying jealous behavior.  But the deep wracking sobs break my heart, and I can't just let it be.

So I am tired, both physically and emotionally.  But for the most part everyone is settling in to this "new normal" of our family.  Alaina started back to school the week of Thanksgiving, and that gives me eight solid hours with Maia every day.  I will return to work half-time in January, and Maia will go with me to school in the afternoons, joining Alaina's second-grade class.  She really doesn't speak any English yet but that language-rich environment can only help her.  

Speaking of language, the little English she does know is kind of funny.  She is really good about putting the dog outside and yelling at the top of her lungs, "Go Potty!!!!"  I'm sure the neighbors think we are nuts.  She can also say "no," and she uses that word a lot.  She also spontaneously says "I love you!" which makes this mama's heart sing.

We spent two days at Children's Hospital right when we got home from China and discovered Maia has quite a few more medical needs than we knew.  We are headed back there for a CT scan and an MRI on the 28th of December, and we will know more when we get the results.  It looks like we are in for some fairly extensive surgical procedures sooner rather than later.

Adopting an older child is difficult, I'm not going to lie.  But it is also deeply rewarding.  We know without a doubt that God had this child in mind for our family, and He has been faithful both to bring her home and to provide us with the strength and wisdom we need to parent her.  Please pray that we are able to be the best parents possible for her, and that she will know that all the things she is going to need to endure medically are because we love her.

Blessings,

Mindy




Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Possibly the Final Post from China

This may be my last post from China.  We have had an amazing trip but we are anxious to get home to sleep in our own beds and do some laundry.  We are also feeling the need to get back into some kind of routine; it will help everyone.

On Monday we went shopping at the big seven story mall.  There is a whole floor of pearl wholesalers and we bought Maia a string to give to her on her wedding day.  Darryl also bought me a new piece of jade, which I love.  What a great husband.

On Tuesday we went to the consulate and took our oath of adoption and filed the final paperwork for Maia's visa to the US.  It was quick but meaningful.

Then we went out to Shamian Island to do some more shopping.  The island really caters to adoptive families, with lots of little shops full of Chinese souvenirs.  We bought quite a few things for very little money.  Ethan got something really cool, but I'll wait until we are home to tell you about it.

Today was the trip to the Guangzhou zoo.  It's very different from US zoos; we were able to get very close to the animals.  There are two pandas there and we got lots of great pictures.  We also went to a "Sea World" style show with dolphins and a seal. It was really fun.

Unfortunately on my way out of the water show my ankle turned and I fell flat on my face.  Now I have a very bruised and skinned knee as well as a swollen ankle. Good thing we are going home in less than 48 hours, as walking is difficult. I plan to take a tylenol pm to get to sleep tonight but don't know how I will feel in the morning.

We all really liked the zoo in spite of my little episode, and Maia was really excited the whole day.  She is having so many new experiences, it is really fun watch.

This seems like a good day to post some of the funny things we have seen on our trip.  We have had fun taking pictures of signs where the meaning is lost in translation.

Okay, this one was over the urinal in a public bathroom.  We think it means, "hey guys, be civilized!  Step closer!"

This one was on the door of the WC on the train.  You couldn't use it while the train was stopped because the toilets were basically just a hole that opened onto the track.....you get the picture.

Um. Yeah.

Over the treadmills at RT Mart.

Really, I have no idea.

Clear enough.

We think this one means no parkour.  Not sure.

Okay, this one is my favorite.  Darryl bought a traditional Chinese flute and this was the description.  I especially like the parts about moldy and mange.
Here are a few pictures from the last couple of days.  The next time I write it will probably be from home.
With our friends the Wessels, who we met in Nanchang.

Our guide in Nanchang, Mary.

In the lobby at the Garden.

Ethan.  I think he might be striding.  That's against the sign.

Girls in their new qi paos.

Yes, they are strange.  This was when I left them on their own for a little while.  You see how much they need me.

The Canton Tower.  We saw this on the river cruise on Monday night.  Our guide says it is the tallest tower in the world.  I'm not sure she is right, but it is really, really tall.  The only thing I have to compare it to is the Space Needle, and the Canton Tower is three times taller than the Space Needle.  You just can't imagine or tell from the picture how big it is.  And the thing that was most amazing to me was that it didn't exist when we were here six years ago.

These girls were all in our group and got to be good friends over the week.  They are going to miss each other.

Ethan tried on this jacket.  He looks Mahvelous.

Panda!

At the water show, right before my little accident.

White tiger at the zoo.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Lights! Camera! ...Quiet On the Set?

Well, we are finally in Guangzhou.  It's funny; in some ways it seems like our time in Nanchang just flew by, and in other ways it seems we were there forever.  A lot happened in six days.  We are all a little emotionally exhausted from all the changes in the last week in our family.  Things have gotten a little out of control a couple of times, with crying and huge swinging emotions.  All to be expected but tiring.

Guangzhou, in many ways, is not like being in China at all.  It is a very cosmopolitan city.  We see lots of people from all over the world here, and no one stares much because they are used to foreigners.  We are staying at the most incredible hotel, The Garden.  You just can't imagine how lavish this place is....kind of out of our league.  We are really enjoying it though!  Probably the last time we will ever stay in so fancy a place, so we are making the most of it.

The weather here is really wonderful.  Today it was in the mid-80s and it should be in the 70s for the rest of the week.  Humid, though.  It will be hard to go back to what must be winter weather by now.

Our last couple days in Nanchang were quiet.  On Thursday we spent some time just exploring the shops.  We went to the RT Mart--kind of like a Wal-Mart--and bought the girls some small toys and Ethan a remote control helicopter.  Unfortunately when we got it back to our hotel room it didn't work, so we trudged all the way back and used our rudimentary Chinese to get it exchanged for a new one.  Actually we were pretty proud of ourselves for that accomplishment!

Thursday evening our guide Mary took us to the "new city" to see a really beautiful fountain and light show.  Everyone really enjoyed it, and we discovered that more than anything Maia wants to have a pair of roller skates.  There were people everywhere on roller blades.  It's about all she has talked about since then!  I have promised her I will get her some when we get home.

Friday we stayed in our room most of the day packing and catching up on homework, and checked out and headed to the airport at 3:00.

We were nervous about how Maia would like the airplane, but we shouldn't have been.  She loved it!  She had a couple of sad moments when she realized we weren't headed home yet, but got over it quickly.

We arrived here around 8 pm on Friday night.  Today was spent mostly at the medical clinic.  All adopted children have to undergo an exam before receiving their visas to go to the US.  Unfortunately Maia's was a little more involved because of her age.  She had to have both a TB test and a female exam.  She was pretty shut down during the whole thing.  She talks so much when she is with us, but when she comes to something that makes her nervous she gets this blank look on her face and acts like she can't hear anything anyone is saying to her, and she doesn't respond at all when asked any questions.  I think the doctors thought she is very cognitively delayed, which obviously to us isn't true at all.  Poor thing, it's a coping mechanism, but it isn't helping her at all.  When we get home we have two days of doctor appointments at Children's in Seattle, and I told them to have an interpreter for us, but if she shuts down we won't get anything accomplished at all.  Please pray that we will be able to make her understand that she needs to cooperate.

This afternoon I spent two hours with our guides and six other families doing the paperwork needed for the consulate.  Our guides are amazingly organized and made it easy for us.

This evening we went out on our own for the first time in this city and found a restaurant full of locals that was very good, and bought ice cream bars at 7-11.  Now we are just hanging out and relaxing.  We are excited that tomorrow morning we get to go to the International Fellowship with the other families in our group.  Then tomorrow is pretty free, and we are going shopping on Monday after Maia's TB test is read at the clinic.

We can't believe she has been our daughter for a week already!  The adjustment is going to be long but we can't imagine life without her!
Technical difficulties

Ethan and the girls

...uh-huh

At the fountain show




At The Garden

Ready for take-off!




Purple girls

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Pagodas and Parks

Today we had the opportunity to visit one of the three most famous pagodas in all of China.  It was a really beautiful traditional Chinese building originally built by a man who was both the son and brother of Chinese emperors.  He built it to show his great wealth and as a place to entertain guests.

Unfortunately he was a better painter than he was a leader.  He especially enjoyed painting butterflies. He eventually lost all his wealth.

But a very famous poet visited the pagoda and wrote a very famous poem there; a poem which praised the beauty of the building.  This made the pagoda famous.  The saying is that the poem made the pagoda famous and the pagoda makes the poem eternal.

Also unfortunately, as a very famous spot, it has been a target during wars.  The pagoda we visited today is actually the 29th incarnation.  It was last destroyed--burned to the ground--in 1929 and rebuilt in 1985.

It was beautiful anyway.  We climbed all seven stories, and each level had different things to see.  There were several copies of the poem engraved in different materials, and several paintings and statues of the poet.  There was a mural of all the famous people who come from this province.  There were old brass bells and tea tables.

On the top story there was a small stage and we arrived just in time to hear and see a traditional performance.  I'm pretty sure the songs praised the beauty of the building and talked about the poet.

After the pagoda we went to People's park, a large area in the middle of the city.  No cars=heaven!  There were lots of kindergartens out in the park and all the little ones were in costumes.  It took us a few minutes to remember that today was Halloween.

The girls went on the swings and we took them on the carousel in the middle of the park.  We also fed the koi in the lake.  It was really fun and relaxing.

We went back to the dumpling restaurant for lunch, because dumplings are Maia's favorite food and everyone else could get something they liked there too.  I had kung pao chicken with rice.  Nothing like what you might find in the US.  I love real Chinese food.

Then we came back to the room as Darryl has not been feeling his very best and we all needed a rest.  Most of us slept for a couple of hours and the rest watched movies and played games.  Maia layed down with me and snuggled up for a nap.  She had been up very early this morning crying so she was exhausted.  All things considered she seems to be doing really well, and she is really bonding with me.

We had dinner in our room and went down to the pool, which we have done every night.  We are amazed at how brave Maia is in the water.  Our guide says she has never been in a pool before but she jumps right in.  The big problem is that she has zero body fat and it doesn't take long before she gets really cold.  Her little fingers and toes turn blue.  Just to give you an idea, Alaina weighs 54 pounds. Maia is about three inches taller and weighs just 45.

We are having a good adjustment I think.  We do have a long road ahead but we were expecting that.  It will help when she can at least understand English.  It won't take long I think; she seems to be really smart.

We are having a good adjustment I think.  We do have a long road ahead but we were expecting that.  It will help when she can at least understand English.  It won't take long I think; she seems to be really smart.

Here are a few pictures from the day.

Famous Pagoda


Mom and kids

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Ethan imitating the famous poet

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Painting of Pagoda

Watching the show

Singer

Orchestra



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