Grieving.

We are dealing with some big-time grief at our house the last few days, and it's not from Maia.  The one who is really struggling right now is Alaina.

She was only two years old when we brought her home, and she doesn't really remember anything about her life in China before us.  We do have some pictures of her with her foster mom and those have always been really important to her; she shows them to people a lot and looks at them often.  She did have a difficult transition right at first when she was mourning the loss of that wonderful woman, but once that was over she has been great, bonding to us very strongly.

We have never been secretive about adoption with our kids.  Of course two of them were old enough to remember anyway so it didn't make any sense to not talk about their lives before they came into our family.  We have always talked really openly about where they came from and what we know of their pasts, and that does include talking about birth parents.

I think Alaina understood the concept cognitively, but until we went to China to adopt Maia she had never really understood it on an emotional level.  Now she is really thinking about the fact that her birth parents are lost to her, and that they gave her up for adoption.  And that has been really hard.

Our first clue that she was having trouble was when I found a folded up paper in her pocket and asked her what it was.  She snatched it away and said, "that's private!"  She has never acted like that before so I knew it must be something important.  I didn't push her but did tell her that if she had a secret it was really important to tell Mom so I could help her with it.  Later that evening, during the bedtime routine, she brought it to me and told me it was a secret, but I could look.  Here is what I saw:

In case you can't read it, it says:

Dear brst mom and Dear brst dad I wot to see You mom and dad and I allway now You may be we see You in my driem som day and som day we see You in China in my dreim Love Alaina

In the middle of the bottom, there is a picture of a happy mom and a happy dad holding a baby, and they have hearts over them.  To the right of that, there is a crying mom and a crying dad handing the baby over to a crying lady.  The caption says: we has to we can't tack care of her.

She told me her secret was that she had been thinking of her birth mom and birth dad and that she was sad.  Of course I told her that thinking about them wasn't bad, that it was good, and that it was okay to be sad.  We talked a little more and she skipped off to bed her happy little self.

But last night was a different story.  She just did not want to go to bed.  She said she couldn't sleep because she kept thinking about them, and having bad dreams.  So I got her up to snuggle with me for a while.  I asked her a couple of questions and she just broke down and sobbed.  She said she missed them and she wanted to see them.  Then she asked the question I've known was coming someday: Why did they give me up?

I knew it was coming, but I still don't feel I was prepared for it.  I told her truthfully that I didn't know, that no one really knows.  I told her they wanted to make sure she was taken care of.  She asked if they ever thought of her, and I said I'm sure they think of you every day.  She asked if they celebrate her birthday, and I said I don't know, but maybe.

Then she wanted to know if they had other children after her, and if they gave them up for adoption too.  Of course I don't know the answer.  She cried more and said she thinks they gave her up but not their other children.

Oh, my heart.  All I could do was hold her and tell her we love her so much, and she will always, always be our girl.  I encouraged her to pray for her birth parents.  Then she asked, what if they don't believe in Jesus? And I said that we could pray that they would, and that Jesus is always faithful to answer our prayers.  I asked her if she wanted to pray right then, but she said no, she needed to go to sleep.  So I sent her off to bed.

It's hard, hard, hard.  I don't know why God has chosen this path for her, but I do know He has a plan for her, a plan "to give her a future and a hope."

I kept her home today, and she and Maia have been happily playing all day long.  She woke up happy, back to her old self.  I know this isn't the last time we will have to work through these hard things, but I do pray that God will give me wisdom and strength to continue to give her what she needs.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Mindy

Home and happy....mostly

We have been home from China with Maia just a little over three weeks now.  Many have asked how we are doing, and the answer is we are doing great......mostly.  

I'm not going to lie and say it has all been butterflies and roses.  When you are almost nine years old, being taken away from the only life you have ever known, regardless of how difficult or hopeless that life was, is really, really hard.  Maia is struggling to adjust in many ways.  She hasn't really figured out her place in our family yet, and she is always on the lookout for anything she sees as unfair.  She gets very upset very quickly if she thinks someone (usually Alaina) has gotten anything she hasn't.  This can set her off into a very long "episode" of deep sobs and big tears, and if I let her she will go find somewhere to hide.  I don't let her.  I quickly scoop her into my lap and hold her and sing to her and tell her everything's okay.  She does let me comfort her, which is a blessing.  Unfortunately this means I am basically unavailable for any of my other kids for up to 45 minutes while I calm Maia down.

I think she is genuinely grieving most of the time, and I want to help her through.  If I thought I was being manipulated I would respond differently.  And there have been times when I just cheerfully take her by the hand and say, "you're okay" and move her to a new activity, and that seems to work in the times she is just displaying jealous behavior.  But the deep wracking sobs break my heart, and I can't just let it be.

So I am tired, both physically and emotionally.  But for the most part everyone is settling in to this "new normal" of our family.  Alaina started back to school the week of Thanksgiving, and that gives me eight solid hours with Maia every day.  I will return to work half-time in January, and Maia will go with me to school in the afternoons, joining Alaina's second-grade class.  She really doesn't speak any English yet but that language-rich environment can only help her.  

Speaking of language, the little English she does know is kind of funny.  She is really good about putting the dog outside and yelling at the top of her lungs, "Go Potty!!!!"  I'm sure the neighbors think we are nuts.  She can also say "no," and she uses that word a lot.  She also spontaneously says "I love you!" which makes this mama's heart sing.

We spent two days at Children's Hospital right when we got home from China and discovered Maia has quite a few more medical needs than we knew.  We are headed back there for a CT scan and an MRI on the 28th of December, and we will know more when we get the results.  It looks like we are in for some fairly extensive surgical procedures sooner rather than later.

Adopting an older child is difficult, I'm not going to lie.  But it is also deeply rewarding.  We know without a doubt that God had this child in mind for our family, and He has been faithful both to bring her home and to provide us with the strength and wisdom we need to parent her.  Please pray that we are able to be the best parents possible for her, and that she will know that all the things she is going to need to endure medically are because we love her.

Blessings,

Mindy