She was only two years old when we brought her home, and she doesn't really remember anything about her life in China before us. We do have some pictures of her with her foster mom and those have always been really important to her; she shows them to people a lot and looks at them often. She did have a difficult transition right at first when she was mourning the loss of that wonderful woman, but once that was over she has been great, bonding to us very strongly.
We have never been secretive about adoption with our kids. Of course two of them were old enough to remember anyway so it didn't make any sense to not talk about their lives before they came into our family. We have always talked really openly about where they came from and what we know of their pasts, and that does include talking about birth parents.
I think Alaina understood the concept cognitively, but until we went to China to adopt Maia she had never really understood it on an emotional level. Now she is really thinking about the fact that her birth parents are lost to her, and that they gave her up for adoption. And that has been really hard.
Our first clue that she was having trouble was when I found a folded up paper in her pocket and asked her what it was. She snatched it away and said, "that's private!" She has never acted like that before so I knew it must be something important. I didn't push her but did tell her that if she had a secret it was really important to tell Mom so I could help her with it. Later that evening, during the bedtime routine, she brought it to me and told me it was a secret, but I could look. Here is what I saw:
Dear brst mom and Dear brst dad I wot to see You mom and dad and I allway now You may be we see You in my driem som day and som day we see You in China in my dreim Love Alaina
In the middle of the bottom, there is a picture of a happy mom and a happy dad holding a baby, and they have hearts over them. To the right of that, there is a crying mom and a crying dad handing the baby over to a crying lady. The caption says: we has to we can't tack care of her.
She told me her secret was that she had been thinking of her birth mom and birth dad and that she was sad. Of course I told her that thinking about them wasn't bad, that it was good, and that it was okay to be sad. We talked a little more and she skipped off to bed her happy little self.
But last night was a different story. She just did not want to go to bed. She said she couldn't sleep because she kept thinking about them, and having bad dreams. So I got her up to snuggle with me for a while. I asked her a couple of questions and she just broke down and sobbed. She said she missed them and she wanted to see them. Then she asked the question I've known was coming someday: Why did they give me up?
I knew it was coming, but I still don't feel I was prepared for it. I told her truthfully that I didn't know, that no one really knows. I told her they wanted to make sure she was taken care of. She asked if they ever thought of her, and I said I'm sure they think of you every day. She asked if they celebrate her birthday, and I said I don't know, but maybe.
Then she wanted to know if they had other children after her, and if they gave them up for adoption too. Of course I don't know the answer. She cried more and said she thinks they gave her up but not their other children.
Oh, my heart. All I could do was hold her and tell her we love her so much, and she will always, always be our girl. I encouraged her to pray for her birth parents. Then she asked, what if they don't believe in Jesus? And I said that we could pray that they would, and that Jesus is always faithful to answer our prayers. I asked her if she wanted to pray right then, but she said no, she needed to go to sleep. So I sent her off to bed.
It's hard, hard, hard. I don't know why God has chosen this path for her, but I do know He has a plan for her, a plan "to give her a future and a hope."
I kept her home today, and she and Maia have been happily playing all day long. She woke up happy, back to her old self. I know this isn't the last time we will have to work through these hard things, but I do pray that God will give me wisdom and strength to continue to give her what she needs.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Mindy
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